Many inner journeys happen while traveling on outward adventures. Today I’m flipping through a dark blue notebook I picked up in Africa. During my second trip back to teach again at Sodwana Bay in South Africa I encountered a woman who had defeated herself before she ever got off the ground…or under the water as the case may be.
Morning Meditations. Different ideas began to free flow through my mind as I moved through my Tai Chi poses out by the pool today. The words, “I can’t” float around in my head.
I love starting my day with Tai Chi it helps me think and clear my head. Today I breathe deeply and exhale any negativity I’ve picked up from my encounters. I send it up in smoke and I am left with a feeling of peace and clarity. I think about my student JoAnne so adamantly telling me, “I can’t,” as she chocks with tears and slightly ducks her head below water level. She barely tries, and already abandons the idea because of the discomfort of something new.
I try soothing words and stories of my own fears. I reassure her this is a normal reaction to learning something new. She says she wants to scuba dive, but she just can’t, and she knew she couldn’t before she came. She proceeds to tell me that everyone else back home knew she wouldn’t do it. So she sat there, near tears, telling me two contradictory concepts. In one breath she said, “I can’t.” and in the very next she said, “I really wanted to.”
The words, “I can’t.” in my mind really means “I don’t want to.” It may be a simple, this is not what I want to do, or it could be a more complex game we play with ourselves. It could be that we’ve bought into what others have told us we can and can’t do. And therefore we accept those artificially imposed boundaries on us. Or it could mean we allow fear to stop us before we start.
So many different fears can come into play in these types of situations. It can become a complex web of self-justified reasons that become so intricately entwined. In the end, it’s nearly impossible to untie the knot and set ourselves free from our own fears. Self-doubt, what if I fail, what if I look like a fool, what if others can do it better, why can’t I, what does one more failure do to my overall belief of who I am? What if I’m not perfect, what if people laugh. My heart is pounding and I can’t pin point which fear it is that is causing it. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I must quit because I know I can’t…. to me these things all say, “No, I don’t want to.”
But really what people are saying is, “I don’t want to fail.” And if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Or we are saying, “I don’t want to look like a fool. Why is everyone else getting it besides me?” These things are all excuses we make to ourselves.
I remember years before, pushing and pulling a huge coil of line into the lazarette of Lettie G. Howard. It was big and awkward, it was cumbersome and heavier than me. I kept saying, “I can’t move this!” As I wrestled and pushed with my arms and legs, I repeated my “I can’t” mantra while I kicked it into submission into the corner I had deemed its new place. Nick, the skipper, laughed while showing a bit of annoyance with me. He told me I had this strange habit of saying I can’t while I continued to do something until it was done. It was only then that I realized that I used that word a lot. The realization made me more conscious of it and allowed me to almost completely drop it from my vocabulary.
In a way I was padding my bets. I figured if I said I can’t and then failed I could say, “See I told you I couldn’t.” Then somehow I didn’t look like a fool and thus didn’t really fail. Well, because I already told you I couldn’t! No harm done. I tried. On the flip side, if I succeeded it must be impressive because it really wasn’t something that I could do. Now give me the praise and support I deserve. Back then, my existence was then built, to some degree, on other people’s approval.
But it doesn’t quite work that way. People get sick of praising you and encouraging you if you are always asking for praise. They get sick of assuaging your insecurities. It can be draining to deal with someone who is always saying I can’t. After a while if you keep telling someone you can’t, they’ll agree with you to shut you up.
JoAnne had bought into all the “can’ts” that everyone else in her life had given her. It was a programing so strong, and probably something that had existed for so long, it wasn’t a simply task to break her barrier of “I can’t.” In the end, her “I can’ts” deprived her of seeing some of the most beautiful ocean in the world.
For some they’ve built up limitations for themselves and bought into the “I can’t” mentality. I always say, “If you hear me say the words I can’t, it really means I don’t want to.”
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March 12, 2010 at 4:33 am
Arlene
Lovely post and you are so right. I had this idea in my head that I wouldn’t be able to scuba dive because the thought of all of that equipment on my face somehow freaked me out. (I can’t hold my breath for very long) Once I understood the theory behind the equipment, and then when I tried it out, I was fine, to the amazement of my instructor. I still get a little panicky sometimes, but it doesn’t last, and I am grateful to have learned this skill as it has enriched my life in so many ways. I finally bought all of my own equipment and will be trying it out soon!
People are capable of most everything. We choose how we feel and what we want to do. I know that I am capable of skydiving, but I don’t want to. I tell my children that I am an adult and I can do what I want. However, I am selective in what I do. Just because we are capable of doing things, doesn’t mean we have to do them. It also doesn’t matter what the reasons are that hold us back from trying new things. That is our own learning process that we may need to overcome.
When I hear adults say that they can’t do something, I usually respond by saying ‘You are probably right.’ The response to that can be interesting. I certainly get odd looks.
It is children that need encouragement to try new things. A child will say I can’t as that is their language and it is up to adults to be encouraging and take them out of their comfort zone. I have a low tolerance for adults that behave in this way and as you say you yourself feel drained when dealing with people who behave in this way. I tend to cut to the chase before it gets to far.
The problems arise when we are truly required to do something and we say we can’t. Like you with the rope. People on a boat need to work together. It could save lives. There is no patience for the weedy ones who can’t (won’t).
Even if you don’t think you CAN, for whatever reason, you can always say you will TRY, and then maybe eventually you WILL.
(Sorry this reply was so long, but your post hit a nerve and made a valid point)
March 12, 2010 at 9:37 am
gypsealeah
Arlene thank you for such a thoughtful reply! I’m glad it resonated with you. (That’s what I hope for with these posts.) It’s a reflection on many levels of life not just travel and adventure. Writing the travel blog helps me get grounded back to the thoughts, feelings and realizations I had while having so much time to focus and think. In the every day it’s sometimes difficult to remember these important lessons.